Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Flight's Beginnings Part II: The End is Near

Tomorrow, tomorrow. I love you tomorrow. You're only a day away!

Yes folks, tomorrow marks the day - Divorce Final Day. Tomorrow some judge in some courtroom is going to put an end to my marriage. If I feel great today, tomorrow I am sure that I will feel even better - relieved, excited, weightless, on top of the world. Or maybe I won't feel any different. Maybe it will feel the same way as turning 25 did. I already feel like I am divorced and have felt that way since I made him pack his bags, but at the same time tomorrow marks the day when the strings are officially cut. He can no longer call me his wife without putting an X in front of it, and that is wonderful in and of itself.

No regrets here, though I am jealous that my boyfriend (I hate, hate, hate that word) is working hard so that when his divorce is final, he will never have to see or hear from the Itch (wicked witch of the north [my affectionate name for his X]) again. Unfortunately I am bound to my X by a child. Now I understand how things can turn ugly with custody battles and the like. When you divorce someone it is because you no longer want to be with them and in some cases you never want to see them again. When you have a child you have to see X and talk to X, because there will always be something to deal with. Some days I just want to take my daughter and flee to Europe. But my daughter is my first priority and taking a daughter from a father who has caused no harm would be the worst possible thing I could do. All I am saying is that I can relate to the desire to do something of that nature, but you can relax, I would never do something that nutso no matter how tempting.

So even though the divorce is almost final and that provides a freedom much anticipated, I will always be bound by the ties of parenthood to X.

So I made my flight. You can figure out for yourself what made it narcissistic. I am ready to come in for a landing. My wings are clipped and I have gone as far as I can go. I have found the man of my dreams and though I will walk through the rest of my life and any subsequent relationships with the Ghost of Husband Past tied to my ankle, tomorrow marks an ending and a beginning - a new chapter (apt description no matter how hackneyed). The first half of my twenties have been so eventful - a wedding, 2 cross-country moves, graduation from college, birth of a child, a divorce, etc., etc. I have married, had a child (and no the child wasn't the reason for the marriage - she was born a year and a half into it) and divorced before most of my high school and college buddies have even thought about getting engaged. (I guess that is why so many wise people advise against young people marrying). I can't imagine what the next 5 years will bring but I am looking forward to them and whatever life changing events that come my way. I look forward to getting married again, but it scares me that I will have the same result. I don't want to be a serial marry-er a la J Lo or Ross (from Friends). But to marry once at 21 and then again at 25 (I hope)... Could I entering some weird cycle?
- Crazy/Hip Blog-Mamas +