Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I'll Let You In On The Skinny

Forget low-carb. I’ve got a line on the next hot plan in weight loss strategies. You may call it the Roxy method. But I’ll let you in on a secret, shhh, all it is really is a stress diet. You don’t even have to decide to be on it. It just finds you. One day you are eating healthy well-rounded meals (if you count cheezits and cocoroos as well-rounded), the next you can barely choke down an entire banana.

It’s quite convenient actually. There is no need for appetite suppressants, points systems, or meetings. Your body makes the plan and forces you to stick with it. Food becomes a thing of the past. No longer do you have the desire to eat, and should you try to force yourself to eat just five baby carrots so, you know, you have some calories and vitamins to live on, you will find massive protestations from you dietary tract.

Yes, sir, the Roxy method is the absolute way to go. It has never failed any of its users. All have seen results. Why just look at me for example. Just a few short weeks ago I filled out my clothes. Now they hang on me like paper sacks. Have you ever wanted to see an entire rib cage? Why just look at mine, each bone is plainly visible. A spine? Count every last vertebrae. Yes sir, I am beginning to look like an emaciated famine victim, otherwise known as a fashion model.

Still not sold? Well stand tall. Now look down. Thighs touching? Oh, too bad. Try the Roxy method, and they will be miles apart. Don’t believe me? Tsk, tsk. I’m selling the truth here.

Now, I must admit, there are a few side effects for long-term followers of the Roxy method involving malnutrition and/or starvation, mostly because it is very difficult to forsake the method of one’s own volition. It just happens.

Why, the last time I was on it, just after my separation from my ex-husband, the Roxy method held me in its grasp for weeks on end, but it was nearing bikini season anyway, so I didn’t much mind. But just as others and I were growing in concern about my rapidly diminishing frame, Big and Coco introduced me to sushi that wasn’t from the grocery store deli. I ate it then ate some more and some more, and poof was released from the grips of the Roxy method.

So now all I need is that magic food to release me. So far, I have only been able to eat when a meal is purchased for me, though I consume only one quarter to one half of my usual serving. Sadly even the holiday food that has been amassing in the office kitchen has failed to tempt me, which is strangest of all because usually I am piling my napkins sky-high. So aside from finding a sugar daddy to take me out for every meal, I haven't quite found the out yet. I 'll let you know when I do.

But that aside, the Roxy method really is your weight loss solution. It takes absolutely all the brainwork out of shedding the pounds. Gasp! Exercise is not even necessary. So join me, won’t you? I guarantee you’ll be satisfied with the results.
- Crazy/Hip Blog-Mamas +