Thursday, October 07, 2004

This Life For A New One

The soap opera really is over - or at least as far as this blog goes. After all that went on with the Mr. Slick/Superman thing, I am reluctant to be as candid about the goings on in my life so far as men are concerned and so far as this blog is concerned…for now anyway. I revealed a lot about the goings on in my life and the emotional responses to those happenings, and people were kind and gave me their advice, but it was difficult to receive. I know that people possess wisdom, and it would be sensible for me to take and implement their suggestions, but every time I read or heard something in the least critical of my decisions, I felt like a teenager bound by paternalism. I yearn to be comforted if my decisions lead me to trouble, but when the comforters lose patience with the blind return to the source of the problem and try to counsel me in a different direction, I find myself rebelling. It is as if I fold my arms firmly across my chest, stomp my foot and cock my head with defiance much like a two year-old told it’s nap time. I have turned off the comments to the blog as you may see. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime you please. I would love to hear from you. But I won’t hold my breath.

The thing is that my life has been so weird. With every month my circumstances seem vastly different. My habits change, the people in my life change, my confidence changes. The only thing that has been steady over the months has been my job. If I had my way I would read, write and play the piano all day. Those are my loves. But I have always been a hard worker; I always strove to be the best in my work, to separate myself from my predecessors, to be noticed, but here in this job, there is no chance to be promoted to a researcher with a PhD, so I have lost all my drive, my purpose, my love for being the best.

What does one do with an English major? I don’t want to be a teacher any more, so I guess possession of an English major means that I go back to school. I have missed school since I left, and if I could, I would be a perpetual student. I love learning and challenging my brain, but unfortunately for me, being a student costs rather than pays. Still the need to go back to school is there. If I can’t live the life of leisure wherein I pursue my homemaker dreams, then I will become a corporate hussy, because nothing would fulfill me more.

Why, at 25, do I already feel like I am on the downward slope of life?
- Crazy/Hip Blog-Mamas +