The Re-evaluation of Self

There must come a time at the end of every relationship when you take a second look at the person you are no longer with. I have been so consumed with my new relationship and having the custody agreement formulated the way I wanted it that I allowed myself to see new and terrible things in X that weren't there. It is amazing how consumed by one's self a person can become. From the beginning I have been a very selfish person - - and as a result I have pushed away a person with whom I hoped to maintain a friendly and civil relationship. After we split X seemed like such a stranger - a completely new and undesirable person. But I am beginning to see that it was in fact I who became a stranger. I emerged as an individual who didn't give a damn about the person she spent four years with, a person who became the evil and reviled ex-wife (I could be exaggerating, but I am sure that X would agree with me to some degree).

Throughout this time that S has been gone, I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with him and the one that just ended with X. I am beginning to wonder why I am so quick to jump into another marriage. Why can't I just be alone for a while? Am I so afraid of being single? Could it be that I don't want to be a single mom - that I am afraid to raise a child by myself? Could I be afraid that I will have a hard time finding someone who will want to be a father to my child without already being a father himself and that in itself defines S's attractiveness to me? Nothing will ever bring me back together with X, but why I am so anxious to be with S so completely so soon is beginning to be of concern.

I am so happy when S is here with me, but when he is gone doubts and fears and questions creep into my heart and mind and I am not quite sure what to do with them. One thing I do know is that I will no longer treat X like crap. It's the least I could do.

But the questions linger - will I remain with S? Will the problems be resolved? Will I discover that life can be just as fulfilling alone and that being a single mother isn't the end of the world?

Stay tuned for the next posting of....

just kidding.