Why Not To Watch American Idol...

...with a three year-old.

I tend to yell at the contestants - a lot. If they suck. I tell them so. If they're ugly, I let them know. They can't hear me, but I get the satisfaction of saying what I want to them, because I am all alone in my apartment with my television, my remote control and my analytical personality. I pick them apart...every bit of them. It's dreadful I know, but really I can't help it. If you passed me on the street, I'd do it to you, too. Just blame all of the Critical Analysis papers I had to write in Mr. Breland's eleventh grade English class. I think the classic literature boundaries were broken after the hundredth paper when I decided to pull apart his comb-over and faux British accent instead of the underlying meanings of the green light and the West Egg house in Great Gatsby .

So I analyze. EVERYTHING. It's just who I am. I'm anal too, if you want to remove the -yze.

But back to American Idol.

Audrey has always been in bed as I watch my show and yell at the television. But last night, Aud and I were at me mum’s house for dinner. We stayed to watch American Idol, because, ya know, the family that watches American Idol together…um…makes fun of the singers together?

And so we did.

And that is what we were doing when my precious daughter reprimanded me. How horrible is it, exactly, that your daughter interrupts one of your criticisms and tells you to be nice?

Now, please raise your hand if you do NOT make fun of the people that get up there. See? I’m not alone. And I do know better than to say mean things around my daughter, except in traffic. I can’t help it, and it is exactly why I moved 1 mile from my work – less unbidden obscenities that way.

I was diagnosed with road rage. By myself, of course – I diagnosed myself. But grr, people make me sooo mad. They are rude and inconsiderate and they cut in line and oooh, never mind I shouldn’t write this anymore, because I am getting steamed up and I feel a migraine coming on from just thinking about it, and I am using too many letters for my words, which is just ugly.

And besides, this was supposed to be about American Idol, which is a show filled with talented and worthy people, each and every one of them. They all deserve to be there, and I loved all of their hairstyles.

Hear that, Audrey? I love all of their hairstyles. They all have great hair.

I promise.