Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Quote of the Day

"Exercise alone provides psychological and physical benefits. However, if you also adopt a strategy that engages your mind while you exercise, you can get a whole host of psychological benefits fairly quickly. "

-James Rippe, M.D.

At the Top of My Lungs

Realizing that instead of hauling over the great divide (Lake Washington) to get my exercise at Green Lake, I can get in my three miles on a daily basis by just jaunting over to the Downtown Bellevue Park where 1 loop equals 1/2 mile. For the mathematically challenged that means that I have to do 6 laps. Staying focused and disciplined enough to force myself around that park 6 whole times takes a lot more stamina than I expected. Walking on that dusty trail again and again is just plain BORING! There are only about 5 other people going around and around, so you get to see them over and over - definitely not meeting up with the tens of interesting people that you encounter ONCE when you walk around Green Lake ONCE to get in that three miles.

I was so bored that I became totally absorbed by the music playing on my discman - the CD I am listening to everywhere - Rufus Wainwright's Want One. I adore the CD truly, madly, deeply, but usually the songs are a pleasant background to the people I am watching as I walk around Green Lake. At the Bellevue Park, the music is the main stage. I actually found myself doing the air guitar to my favorite part of "Go or Go Ahead" and had to clench my jaw together to prevent myself singing along to the crescendo with all the fervor it arouses.

I wonder how people (the five there were) would have reacted to the SINGING, AIR GUITAR PLAYING, jogger in the hot pink shorts. Would they have smiled at my exuberant abandon, called the state hospital, or ignored me, pegging me as just another crazy?

Monday, August 30, 2004

Quote of the Day

"Choice of attention - to pay attention to this and ignore that - is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be."

-W. H. Auden, A Certain World

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Quote of the Day

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

-George Elliot

Friday, August 27, 2004

Quote of the Day

"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."


Monday, August 23, 2004

Quote of the Day

"The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post."

-George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Quote of the Day

No one but you can make you happy.

SunMaid Raisins box

Friday, August 20, 2004

The Emptiness Beside Me

Ending my marriage meant that I was creating an empty spot in my bed for the first time in four years. At first going to bed was wonderful - I slept in the middle with my legs spread far and wide, I slept on the left and I slept on the right. It was my bed and I could sleep where I wanted and all of the pillows were mine - no more risk of them being stolen and drooled upon. I could sleep confident that any drool that happened upon my pillows is mine and only mine, which is, in itself, a pretty nice feeling.

But over the past few months my enjoyment of bedtime freedom has faded, and I have parked myself on the left side of the bed and resumed sleeping in the fetal position. I have taken to using only two of the four pillows on my bed - the remaining pillows fluffed, propped and ready for someone to make them his own. In the morning, and sometimes during the night, I wake up, turn over and look at the unrumpled covers and emptiness beside me and feel an emptiness inside me. It isn't of course that side of the bed that bothers me but the absence it represents. Gone are the sounds of breathing, the warmth, the security, the companionship created when another human shares your sleeping space. In their place longing tugs at my heart and fills the room.

There is just something about going to bed alone every night - in a completely empty apartment on those nights when my daughter is with X- that just reeks of loneliness. Waking up every morning without a friendly face beside yours, no warm body to cuddle close to, just you and you only is harder than I supposed it would be to grow accustomed to.

I used to feel lonely while I was married to X. And now I am lonely though with Mr. Slick.

What is this hole that I can't seem to fill?

Quote of the Day

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone."

-Octavio Paz, The Labyrinth of Solitude, 1950

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Quote of the Day

"Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours."

Swedish Proverb

Monday, August 16, 2004

Or Somethin'

My boss (a 59 year-old man) just walked up to me and asked if I thought he looked like Eminem today. I looked him up and down taking in his baggy blue sweater and loose-fitting dark blue jeans and white sneakers and said "that's funny."

He said, "What's funny? I'm hip."

That's when I realized he was serious.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Quote of the Day

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Friday, August 13, 2004

Quote of the Day

We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success.

Samuel Smiles(1816–1904)

Blader Envy

I have always admired Rollerbladers. They seem to effortlessly glide around the lake as I huff and puff through my jog or brisk walk. I wanted to be them. I wanted to effortlessly glide around the lake. So one day as I was perusing eBay (my semi-new sick obsession) I decided to become one of them. I hightailed it to the Rollerblade auctions, placed my bid and had a nice, new, used pair of Rollerblades post haste. It wasn’t until yesterday, though, that I gathered the courage to use the things. I felt so nervous as I put them on, hoping they would fit right, hoping that all the time I spent on roller skates in middle school would translate into a current skill in Rollerblading, hoping that I wouldn’t fall and break my wrist because I wasn’t willing to spring for the proper safety gear until I knew for sure that I enjoy the whole Rollerblading experience.

My first challenge was to make it from my brother’s apartment building to Green Lake – two blocks and two busy streets lay between them. It being rush hour, my first humiliation was crossing the street. It seemed like I couldn’t remember how to launch off into a smooth stride. Instead I appeared to be walking across the street as fifty cars waited for me and of course I tripped right as I made it to the curb. I was able to drag myself out of the street and shakily regain my footing. I slowly pushed myself forward with one blade and then the next. I seemed to be getting the hang of it. I was so proud. I held my head up high and tried to channel all of the hot chic Rollerbladers I had ever seen in a movie. There must have been something wrong with the connection.

I arrived at Green Lake and plodded across the grass field that lay between the street and the paved path around the lake. I was getting excited. This was going to be fun. I was going to get some exercise, go around the lake a couple of times, and hey maybe even meet a cute blader. I quickly lost my enthusiasm. Once I got to the path, I realized that Rollerblading business isn’t as effortless as it appears. My second challenge was a mini-hill that I had never noticed while walking (of course I usually go clockwise around the lake against the Rollerbladers so it was downhill), but all of the sudden I felt like I had reached Mount Everest. I grunted and pushed and somehow managed to make it to the top. Winded and extremely exhausted, I looked back longingly at the grass field from which I had come, but I kept on. Soon my chest started to burn and my face started to pound. I didn’t understand it – I wasn’t even going fast. Every single other Rollerblader passed me, joggers passed me, and, saddest of all, speed walkers passed me. Try as I might, I couldn’t get myself into a smooth rhythm. About a quarter of a mile around I could take it no longer, I had to sit on a bench. I was so confused. Rollerblading looked so easy – besides I wasn’t that out of shape, this should have been a piece of cake. I watched more rollerbladers pass by and I squelched the desire to ask them to tell me what I was doing wrong – why, when my legs were going at the same speed as theirs was I incapable of achieving the same speed. I didn’t want to carry on. I was frustrated, depressed and extremely disappointed in myself – but rollerbladers can’t go back – they can only go forward on the path. I wanted to cry, but I stood up and onto the path and prepared to pass again all of the slow walkers. I didn’t want them to see me again – I looked ridiculous, but I had no choice, I couldn’t turn back. I didn’t even have my cell phone so calling my brother to rescue me was out of the question.

When I had gone 2 miles and after 5 more breaks, I could take it no longer. I sat down on the grass, removed the offenders and walked the final mile in my bare feet. I HATED those Rollerblades. I considered leaving them by a tree, hoping that by chance some girl with a size 10 foot would pick them up and take to the activity with far more gusto than had I, but I kept a hold on them. The worst part of the whole experience is that as I trudged through the cool grass all of my frustration with my rollerblades and with S combined to make me very emotional. I spent the entire walk choking back tears and just being utterly pathetic.

When I arrived at Big’s house, I could no longer hold it in – after greeting Big and Coco as they sat smoking in the garage, I excused myself to get some water and sobbed in the kitchen. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling at the time. I played it off as PMS to Big and Coco when they asked about it, but it wasn’t that. I am beginning to think that the divorce, single momhood, and this whole Mr. Slick thing are all starting to take a serious toll on me.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Quote of the Day

My phone's on vibrate for you
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinocchio's now a boy who wants to turn
Back into a toy
So call me, call me in the morning
Call me in the night, so call me
Call me anytime you like
My phone's on vibrate for you, for you

Rufus Wainwright
Want One (2003) "Vibrate"

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Quote of the Day

Ay me, how weak a thing
The heart of woman is!

William Shakespeare

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Totally Not Worth a Memory Cell

Today X called me. "Happy fourth", he said.

"Fourth what?"


"Of what?"

"Our marriage..."

Oh, that. Who cares anymore? Obviously not me since I didn't remember the darn thing. Once the divorce is final, do you keep counting? Here marks the day when we would have been married for four years? I don't think so. August 5th no longer has that meaning for me. I just told him that I had forgotten. I hope his feelings weren't hurt.

Quote of the Day

It is not difficult to deceive the first time, for the deceived possesses no antibodies; unvaccinated by suspicion, she overlooks latenesses, accepts absurd excuses, permits the flimsiest patchings to repair great rents in the quotidian.

John Updike (b. 1932)

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Quote of the Day

Reunion after long separation is even better than one’s wedding night.

Chinese proverb

Monday, August 02, 2004

Quote of the Day

How can one learn to know oneself? Never by introspection, rather by action. Try to do your duty, and you will know right away what you are like.

Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749–1832)

The Re-evaluation of Self

There must come a time at the end of every relationship when you take a second look at the person you are no longer with. I have been so consumed with my new relationship and having the custody agreement formulated the way I wanted it that I allowed myself to see new and terrible things in X that weren't there. It is amazing how consumed by one's self a person can become. From the beginning I have been a very selfish person - - and as a result I have pushed away a person with whom I hoped to maintain a friendly and civil relationship. After we split X seemed like such a stranger - a completely new and undesirable person. But I am beginning to see that it was in fact I who became a stranger. I emerged as an individual who didn't give a damn about the person she spent four years with, a person who became the evil and reviled ex-wife (I could be exaggerating, but I am sure that X would agree with me to some degree).

Throughout this time that S has been gone, I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with him and the one that just ended with X. I am beginning to wonder why I am so quick to jump into another marriage. Why can't I just be alone for a while? Am I so afraid of being single? Could it be that I don't want to be a single mom - that I am afraid to raise a child by myself? Could I be afraid that I will have a hard time finding someone who will want to be a father to my child without already being a father himself and that in itself defines S's attractiveness to me? Nothing will ever bring me back together with X, but why I am so anxious to be with S so completely so soon is beginning to be of concern.

I am so happy when S is here with me, but when he is gone doubts and fears and questions creep into my heart and mind and I am not quite sure what to do with them. One thing I do know is that I will no longer treat X like crap. It's the least I could do.

But the questions linger - will I remain with S? Will the problems be resolved? Will I discover that life can be just as fulfilling alone and that being a single mother isn't the end of the world?

Stay tuned for the next posting of....

just kidding.
- Crazy/Hip Blog-Mamas +